Current mood:

nervous

Belonging
I hope to rewrite this when conditions are more favourable

I was comfortable. That is, after all, why almost everything about this position has passed me by - somewhat unnoticed and somewhat unacknowledged. I haven't even mentioned anything here about finishing, no great melodrama of old regarding the two fully sleepless nights beforehand to get the piece submitted, the impossible catching of the train yet again to get me to Edinburgh. Above all, I knew what I was doing, I must enjoy my time at home enough, I had enough of a comfort zone.

The Departmental meeting here in Geneva yesterday brought me into the world of academic teaching. The system is confusing, and there's going to be many strange customs to learn. Wandering around this morning, having nowhere else to go, this head just filled with doubts. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do this - I'm not sure I can trust myself to look after myself properly. I'm bad enough in the UK sometimes, but I walked along this Bank Holiday with little open, pitifully hungry and yet scared of looking a fool trying to buy a little something to keep me going. If I hadn't ended up meeting up with others for lunch, goodness knows what I'd have done. There is always a transition period, and I just pray it is one that unravels quickly; the sting in the tail was, thinking this morning, this is no longer an option - it is here, and here to stay. As I crossed a road this morning, I wondered if I would have been better off in the UK, living on bread and water, walking for miles to save pennies, scraping my way through as I've been used to. Still, there have been positives. Already, an opportunity may have opened up for a paper in Zurich in late September with the Oscar Wilde and dysmorphia work I've done before. Not that I think it can happen as it would be too far removed from the American Studies AGM, but it is one of the few confidence boosts I have had. Most of the books I will need are in the office now, which feels quite good. That will be my place of belonging for the first fair while.

That's all I can think of to say for now. I am in a public room with two neighbours watching some DVD or other - concentration is not at its best. Needless to say, I feel a massive sense of relief at being able to come back to the UK tomorrow.